• Before it Starts!

    A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

    She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

    When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

    This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

    When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

    "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

    The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
  • After 25 years of Marriage

    Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
  • I Love You Too Much!

    On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.

    I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."

    My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

    I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
  • Will I be acquitted?

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"