• Why Guys Can't Win

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't, you're insensitive.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
  • How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket

    A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

    The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

    The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

    The trooper said. "Yes."

    "Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

    The trooper said, "Yes."

    "Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

    The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
  • God's Help!

    A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.

    He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

    Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!

    He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"

    Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!

    He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."

    Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!

    He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
  • A Fitting Memorial

    But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

    As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

    "Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"

    "Two and a half carats."