• Christmas Gift!

    After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

    "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

    She showed him a bottle costing $50.

    "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

    "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

    Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

    Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

    So the clerk handed him a mirror.
  • Stupid Husband!

    Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"
  • Why Guys Can't Win

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't, you're insensitive.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
  • How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket

    A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

    The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

    The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

    The trooper said. "Yes."

    "Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

    The trooper said, "Yes."

    "Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

    The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.