• After 25 years of Marriage

    Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
  • I Love You Too Much!

    On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.

    I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."

    My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

    I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
  • Will I be acquitted?

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
  • Christmas Gift!

    After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

    "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

    She showed him a bottle costing $50.

    "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

    "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

    Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

    Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

    So the clerk handed him a mirror.