• God's Help!

    A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.

    He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

    Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!

    He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"

    Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!

    He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."

    Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!

    He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
  • A Fitting Memorial

    But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

    As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

    "Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"

    "Two and a half carats."
  • Just Pull the Plug...

    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room.

    Husband, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
  • Bikinis and Swimsuits

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

    He's still in intensive care.