• Man's Best Friend!

    A real woman is man's best friend.

    She will never stand him up and never let him down.

    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.

    I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...
  • Guts & Balls...

    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

    GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.
  • Husband vs Wife

    A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

    He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

    She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.

    The story continues...
    The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

    Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.

    MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.

    Story continues...
    Wife took out his husband's credit card from purse and uses it to clear all the bills. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

    Moral: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.
  • Life's Demerit System

    All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

    Do something she likes, and you get points.
    Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
    You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
    Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
    Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

    SIMPLE DUTIES
    You make the bed. (+1)
    You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
    You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
    But return with Old Monk. (-5)

    PROTECTIVE DUTIES
    You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
    You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
    It's her pet poodle . (-20)

    SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
    Named Tina (-10)
    Tina is a dancer. (-10)
    Tina is single. (-40)

    HER BIRTHDAY
    You take her out to dinner. (+2)
    You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
    Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
    And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

    A NIGHT OUT
    You take her to a movie. (+1)
    You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
    You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
    You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
    It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

    YOUR PHYSIQUE
    You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

    THE BIG QUESTION
    She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
    (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
    You hesitate in responding. (-10)
    You reply, "Where?" (-35)
    You give any other response. (-20)

    COMMUNICATION
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
    You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
    You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
    She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
    Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.