• Will I be acquitted?

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
  • Christmas Gift!

    After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

    "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

    She showed him a bottle costing $50.

    "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

    "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

    Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

    Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

    So the clerk handed him a mirror.
  • Stupid Husband!

    Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"
  • Why Guys Can't Win

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't, you're insensitive.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.