• Better Lover

    A maid asks for a pay rise.

    “Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

    “Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

    “Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

    “Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

    “Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

    “Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

    “Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

    “No, the driver did.”

    The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.
  • Letter of Divorce

    Dear Husband:
    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
    Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
    Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
    You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
    You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
    You’re cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your Ex-Wife

    Dear Ex-Wife:
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
    I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
    I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
    My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
    I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
    Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
    Signed: Rich and Free!
  • New Wives

    A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.

    The missionary soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

    Later, the tribal chief told the missionary the tribe had never had so much fun. The missionary asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

    "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.

    "We all got new wives...!"
  • A night out with the boys

    Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys."

    I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness - even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict.

    Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."