• Dealing With Bad Temper

    A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The doctor asks, "What's the problem?"

    The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

    The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

    Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

    The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
  • Speech Impediment

    Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

    "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

    "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

    "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

    "What do you mean her speech impediment?"

    inquired the first fellow.

    "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

    "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say, 'NO'!!"
  • Getting Married

    With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

    As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

    His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

    The husband said, "I know all that."

    The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

    "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

    The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
  • Mind Your Own Business

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

    "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!

    "Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!"