• Stupid Wife

    A man is in court.

    Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."

    Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."

    Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason."
    Man: "Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a growth deficiency. So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees."

    So I say: "You mean pygmy?"

    "No," says my wife. "Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles."

    "That's pigment," I say.

    So she says, "No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on."

    I sigh and say, "No, that's parchment!"

    "No," says she, "Parchment is an unfinished sentence."

    "Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the 'fragment', I got back to my armchair and my newspaper. But then suddenly she's back with a book, and she says, "Honey, check out this weird sentence, it says: 'The sun roof of the purse was the teacher of pimp fifteen.'"

    I take the book and say, "But honey, this is in French. It says 'La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Lois XV.' It means 'The marquise of Pompadour was the lover of Louis the 15th'"

    "No!", says my wife, "You have to translate it literally: La Marquise - the sunroof. Pompadour - the purse. La Maitresse - the teacher, Louis XV - pimp 15. I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons."

    I say, "You mean a lector?"

    "No," says my wife, "Lector was an ancient Greek hero."

    I say, "That was Hector, and he was a Trojan."

    "Nope", says she, "Hector is a measure of area."

    "That'd be hectare"

    "No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!"

    "That'd be nectar."

    "No," says she, "the Nectar is a river in southern Germany."

    So I say, "That's the Neckar."

    She says, "No, I must know, there's even a song about it. I recently sung it in a duo with my friend."

    I say, "It's a duet!!"

    She replies, "No, that's when two men are fighting with a saber."

    "That's a duel," I say.

    "No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!"

    Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death...

    There was a long silence, shocked faces.

    Finally the judge says: Not guilty. I would have killed her at "Hector"
  • Reviving the Marriage

    Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place.

    When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

    Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

    Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

    His wife burst into tears.

    Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

    She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
  • Not Our Kid

    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

    She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

    Husband: What's up?

    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.

    Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said, 'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'

    Wife: Yes, I do remember.
    So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there...
  • Just Another Woman

    A man came home from the mine where he works, very sad and stressed.

    The wife asks: Babe what's wrong???

    The man says: All the people I'm working with are dead.

    Wife: What happened??

    Man: The lift cables broke and the lift lost control and killed all of them.

    Wife: How did you survive??

    Man: Had a running stomach so I went to the toilet... when coming back, they were gone, and every family will receive $10 million each.

    Wife: Daaaaamn!!! You mean i have lost $10 million because of Your ......ShiiiiT !?!?!?