• Reviving the Marriage

    Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place.

    When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

    Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

    Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

    His wife burst into tears.

    Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

    She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
  • Not Our Kid

    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

    She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

    Husband: What's up?

    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.

    Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said, 'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'

    Wife: Yes, I do remember.
    So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there...
  • Just Another Woman

    A man came home from the mine where he works, very sad and stressed.

    The wife asks: Babe what's wrong???

    The man says: All the people I'm working with are dead.

    Wife: What happened??

    Man: The lift cables broke and the lift lost control and killed all of them.

    Wife: How did you survive??

    Man: Had a running stomach so I went to the toilet... when coming back, they were gone, and every family will receive $10 million each.

    Wife: Daaaaamn!!! You mean i have lost $10 million because of Your ......ShiiiiT !?!?!?
  • Think Before You Speak!

    Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

    I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the connections that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die."
    My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV, DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, Gin, Vodka the Beer from the fridge...


    Moral: Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength!