|When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.|
No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
|A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.|
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her…
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, “Surprised?”
“I sure am, ma’am!” stammered the chauffeur.
|George, Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.|
"Ok you, George, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."
St. Peter turns to Robin, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Robin replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"
He then looks at Alex, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Alex lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"
George and Robin have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Alex turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
George asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"
Between sobs Alex explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"
|Harry and Sheila were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that Harry was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Sheila acted quite unconcerned.|
Their waitress watched as Harry slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Sheila appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that Harry had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Sheila calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."