• Not Again!

    After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.

    He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

    After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.

    Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:

    "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."
  • Man's Best Friend!

    A real woman is man's best friend.

    She will never stand him up and never let him down.

    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.

    I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...
  • A Dog's Life

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

    He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

    This continued off and on for several weeks.

    Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
    I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.

    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
    'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep...... Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks !
  • Never Forget Her Birthday

    Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

    "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.

    At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

    "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Children's Day' in all my life!"
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