|A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches and says, "Can I help you?"|
The man replies, "No thanks."
He continues to stand on the clouds.
"Are you sure I can't help you?" says Saint Peter.
"No. That's fine," says the man.
Several minutes pass before Saint Peter approaches the man again.
"Look," he says, "You do realize that if you're here, you're dead - right?"
"Oh I realize that," replies the man.
"You realize that," Saint Peter repeats.
The man points down through the clouds, "I'm just waiting for the Medics down there to realize that!"
|Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.|
"Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him. "Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?"
"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
|Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.|
But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
|A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle. As soon as she sat in the chair, she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn't get it open to work on her teeth.|
One afternoon, on about the third try to treat the old lady, the dentist figured out a way to get the job done. He excused himself from the old lady, went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady's teeth, she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin. Well the receptionist did what she was told, and sure enough, the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening, maintained with a pry to keep it that way, got the job done.
Finally finishing with his work, the dentist said, "Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Nope, not so bad," said the old lady. "But I'll tell you this, I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass."