• Good & Bad News

    An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

    Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

    Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

    Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

    Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
  • Turning Into a Horse

    A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"

    The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have some problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."

    The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"

    The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."

    Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in one week!"

    Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're not turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."

    At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder, "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing hooves!"

    The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails that big!"

    Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"

    The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.

    The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"

    The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"
  • Medical Specialists!

    A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.

    "Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a laryngologist!."

    By the time the unfortunate victim got to the laryngologist, the tooth had worked its way much further down.

    The laryngologist examined the man.

    "Sorry," said the doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a Gastrologist!"

    The gastrologist X-rayed the patient.

    "Sorry," said the doctor,"the tooth has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an enterologist!''

    The enterologist took some X rays.

    "Sorry, the toothisn't there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a proctologist!"

    Ourpatient is now on the proctologist's examining table, in the properelbow-knee position.

    TheĀ· doctor has inserted a proctoscope and is looking through it.

    "Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!"

    Dedicated to Super Speciality Hospitals.
  • Little Johnny & His Balloon

    Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

    "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

    He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

    Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery, gets the urge. It's a diarrhea run!!! She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

    The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

    The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. It's on him, the walls, etc.

    "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"