• Post Turtles

    While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old veteran, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate of the military hospital, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to generals and their role as our leaders.

    The old veteran said, "Well, as I see it, most generals are 'Post Turtles'.''

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

    The old veteran said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

    The old veteran saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

    "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
  • Divert Your Course

    Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
  • The Dirty Magazine

    An army major to wife, he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.

    "The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."

    "No, honey," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"
  • Police vs Military

    Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police, there is much heartburning in police circles.

    A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer, got talking to a jawan, "Bhai, I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave. Meanwhile, your wives go on bearing children. Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you?"

    The jawan replied cooly, "I do not think this is a common occurrence. But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children, as you call them, into the police."