• First-time Flyer

    Mallu boarding a plane.
    Air hostess is smiling.
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!
    Air hostess (shocked): What???
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Air hostess calls steward.

    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Steward: What????

    Mallu thrusts his boarding pass below the steward's nose.

    Steward looks at it and bursts out laughing. Composes himself, and says: Sir, seat 31 D is in the center. This way please!
  • A Job Application

    This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.

    NAME
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX
    Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY
    Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS
    1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?
    On the job - NO!
    On my breaks - YES!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
    Oh yes, absolutely.

    They hired him because he was so funny.....
  • A Tale With a Twist

    A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

    One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!

    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!

    If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor, its because you have been watching too many hindi movies or have been reading too many motivational books.
  • A Smart Salesman

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

    The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said, "One!"

    The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    "Pound 188,427.55"

    The manager choked and exclaimed, "Pound 188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him???"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

    "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4."

    The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

    "No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
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