• Sewing Machine for Sale

    These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

    MONDAY:
    For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

    TUESDAY:
    Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'

    WEDNESDAY:
    Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'

    THURSDAY:
    Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
  • Food for Thought

    An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

    One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

    Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

    The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"
  • From CEO to Employees

    Dear Staff,
    Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

    TRANSPORTATION:
    It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
    a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
    b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
    c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    ANNUAL LEAVE:
    Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
    They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
    b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
    c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
    If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
    You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
    To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    INTERNET USAGE:
    All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
    Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.
    Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

    Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

    Regards
    CEO
  • Good Marketing!

    While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in." says the politician.
    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
    "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
    And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
    They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
    So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
    He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
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