• Give Clear Instructions

    A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric over sized gas-guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

    I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

    She said 'Fine!' and hopped into her car and drove off.

    I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

    A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 50 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...
  • Late Night Party

    A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

    The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

    At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

    "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

    Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."
  • A Hunting Accident

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.

    He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm voice, says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter's voice comes back on the line. "OK," he says, "now what?"
  • A 65 year Old Mom

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

    When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

    "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

    "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

    Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

    "No, not yet," said the mother.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

    "No, not yet," replied the mother.

    Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

    "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

    "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

    "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
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