• Hiring Asses!

    Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

    He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

    Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

    So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions..........
  • Word Play

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom a three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  • The Blind Clerk

    A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

    She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

    She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

    He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

    She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

    He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

    He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
  • Complete & Finished!

    Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?

    No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

    However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.

    Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
    If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'

    And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

    His answer received a five minute standing ovation.