• Funny In-flight Safety Lecture

    Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. You can check out their airplanes and explanations on the net! Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some samples that have been heard or reported:

    On a particular flight a very "senior" flight attendants were serving the customers when the pilot announced on the Public Address System, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

    On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

    "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

    From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight!"

    Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

    "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

    The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

    Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - THEY COULD BE SUPPORTED ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN
  • Hiring a Cashier

    The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.

    The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

    Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"

    Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.

    "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

    Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself - that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

    Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

    "Oh," replied Jim, "Yale."

    "That's very good... excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered, "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."
  • The Ardent Golfer

    A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

    She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly, "Would you like a cigarette?"

    His yes filled with wonder as he answered, "Sure."

    She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him a cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

    As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

    "WoW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

    So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

    She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

    Amazed at his good fortune, he said, "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"
  • Advantages of Being A Woman

    1. We got off the Titanic first.

    2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

    4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

    5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

    7. Taxis stop for us.

    8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

    9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

    11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

    12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

    13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

    15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

    18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

    19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

    21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

    22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

    25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

    26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

    28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

    30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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