• Too Old To Drive

    My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

    He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

    "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

    He asked "How do you know?"

    "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him, yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
  • Work Phone

    The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.

    Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

    Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone.

    Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

    All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

    Maid: What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal???
  • New HR Policy

    Dress Code:
    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Leave:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Casual Leave:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break:
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
    Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
    Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

    The HR
  • Pole Dancers!

    A guy meets a childhood pal.

    "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

    "I'm a fireman."

    "Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

    "Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the base- ment so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

    Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

    Fireman asks, "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

    "No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."