• Driving in Mist & Fog

    A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman.

    "Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.

    "Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."

    "And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.

    "Well," says the businessman, thinking it best to play along, "I suppose I'd ease off on Mr Accelerator, and switch on Mr Headlights and Mr Windscreen wipers."

    The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. "I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!"

    And threw the book at him.
  • Don't Mess With Old Guys

    Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

    One commented to the other, "I bet any minute now some Jewish guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Jewish man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "Vat ya sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old Jewish man answered, "Must be doing well, only two left."
  • That Awkward Moment

    An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

    She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.

    He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

    "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."

    Try further down," she said.

    At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

    "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."
  • Bunch of Cows

    A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

    As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

    The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd'."

    "Heard what?"

    "Herd of cows."

    "Sure, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
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