• What Do You Have?

    A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
    The bartender says "What can I get you?"

    Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

    Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
    No, I'm afraid we don't.

    And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

    The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
    Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

    Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

    Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
    The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

    The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
    Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?

    The bartender is really ticked off.
    Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

    And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

    The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
    "What the heck do YOU want?"

    Duck: Umm. do you have any nails?

    Bartender: What!? OF course not.

    Duck: Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
  • Severe Punishment!

    A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly knows bad words. At first, he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

    As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

    Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

    This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened, "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there... what did they say?"
  • Akbar and Dhanna Seth

    Once Badshah Akbar' s army was engaged in a prolonged war. As a result his royal wealth ("shahi khazana") was nearly exhausted.

    He asked Birbal: How to replenish my wealth.

    Birbal: You can get it from Dhanna Seth.

    Akbar was amazed as to how a trader/ merchant could have so much money. Still he went to Dhanna Seth.

    Dhanna Seth offered: Badshah Akbar, I have huge wealth, take as much as you want.

    Akbar: Dhanna Seth, How did you accumulate so much wealth. Tell me without any fear of punishment.

    Dhanna: I earned it by adultrating grains & spices.

    Akbar got angry, he took all of Dhanna's wealth and ordered him that from then on he would collect the horse dung in his royal stable. Dhanna agreed.

    Years passed by. Again Akbar had to fight a long drawn battle. Again his royal wealth exhausted & again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.

    Akbar wondered: Birbal, I had ordered him to work in royal stable to collect horse dung... How on earth he can have such a wealth???

    Birbal: Badshah, you can ask him but only he can help you.

    Akbar went to Dhanna. Dhanna gave Akbar huge wealth.

    Akbar: Dhanna Seth, I had earlier taken all your wealth, How did you accumulate it again?

    Dhanna: From the stable - incharge & horse attendants. They used to underfeed the horses. I threatened them that I will complain to Badshah that they did not feed horses enough, hence the horse dung quantity was less. So they bribed me to keep silent.

    Akbar got very angry again & ordered Dhanna to start counting the waves at sea & returned to his Palace with Dhanna's wealth.

    As luck would have it, Akbar fought another war, royal wealth emptied out and once again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.

    Akbar could not believe as to how Dhanna could earn so much by counting waves at sea.

    Akbar asked Dhanna for the help.

    Dhanna: Badshah, Take as much as you want but this time around I will not change my profession.

    Akbar: Ok, but tell me how did you earn money by counting Water waves at sea.

    Dhanna: Very simple, I used to stop merchant's ships & boats far away from sea shore. I showed them your orders that I was counting waves & their ships & boats would disturb or break the waves hence their ships or boats should stay away. Badshah, these merchants then used to bribe me to let them reach the shore & unload their merchandise.

    So Badshah understood that Dhanna Seth can earn by engaging in manipulations and bribery from any profession.

    Demonetisation or no demonetisation, the Dhanna Seths of our society will always find a way to earn & accumulate black money.
  • Experienced Logger

    A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

    He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

    The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

    The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."

    The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

    "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie.

    Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.

    "And what about that one?"

    Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."

    The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.

    As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."

    The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"

    When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

    "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure," the Newfie states, cocksure.

    The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

    The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it, eh?"

    He got the job and is now the foreman.