Funny Jokes

New
Universal Jokes > Funny ( 1 - 4 of 953 )
Page: 1
Crossed Eyed Bull

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

Irish Sugar Test

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Pricey 'Tomato' Jokes

With the rising prices, tomatoes are the latest to become the butt of jokes online. With the vegetable costing as much as Rs. 70-100 per kg, no wonder people are venting their frustration on social media....

Tomato hits the 100 rupee mark in a week, declared Blockbuster!

There are only two kinds of people in India: One who can afford tomatoes and the others who can't.

Heard a noted politician has deposited 100 kg tomatoes in his Swiss bank account.

Acche din have finally arrived: Petrol gets cheaper than tomatoes!

Sign board at a tomato vendor: We accept all kinds of credit cards!

Hamein dahej mein kuch nahi chahiye, hum toh bas itna chahte hain ki aap baraatiyon ka swaagat 'tomato soup' se karein.

Instruction from Central Government to all restaurants: People ordering for tomato soup need to produce their PAN card.

Husband tells wife: I've been recently upgraded from a Platinum card to Tangy card that gives a 10% cash back on tomato purchases.

Government has extended the deadline for filling tax returns to 31st August, tomato purchases can now be claimed. Issued in public interest.

Blind Pilot ???

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story...
Have a great day and remember...... Things aren't always what they appear to be.

Quotes

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

Trivia

"Zoodles" are noodles made out of zucchini.

Graffiti

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.