• Ski Trip

    Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing.

    Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

    Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

    Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

    Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
  • Doctors & Diagnosis

    A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring . The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds , so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    At the first house , a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

    The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick ?"

    As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman ? How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly ?"

    "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

    The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

    "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

    As they left , the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

    "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
  • Emergency Brakes

    An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a Pennsylvania state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says, "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

    The trooper says, "Ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speedin... I'm just kidding."

    The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say, "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia. It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."

    The woman replies, "Oh dear, well my husband is the one that rigs the horses. I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay. But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."

    The officer ended with, "Please do as soon as you can. Have a nice day."

    The woman gets home and says, "Pa?"

    Her husband yells down, "Yes, ma?"

    To which she replied, "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."
  • Free Drinks!!!

    Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Amritsar, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight."

    Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "If anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available."