• An Irishman's Philosophy

    There are only two things to worry about, Either you are well or you are sick.

    If you are sick, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will get well or you will die.

    If you get well, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will go to heaven or hell.

    If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

    But if you go to hell, You'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry!
  • The Best Position

    Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

    "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

    "No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

    "You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

    The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
  • How To Be Unhappy

    Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

    Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things first.

    Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

    Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.

    Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.

    Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and weakest.

    Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.

    Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant misery.

    Take personally everything that happens to you.

    Don't give yourself whole-heartily to anyone or anything.
  • The Proposal!

    He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

    This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

    Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

    After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

    The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

    He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

    As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'

    "Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

    The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
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