|The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.|
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
|A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." the manager at the office replied.|
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.
"I told you, I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
|The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.|
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling.... My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
|Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Sydney. It gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so they have nothing to do.|
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he felt GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Melbourne."