|The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.|
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoince!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him.
|Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.|
"Your Queenship," he asked her. "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?`
"Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy` the Queen replied. "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle`.
She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
"You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. " the Queen said. "Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?`
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,` said the Queen. Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.
"Mike, answer this for me," said the Don. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?`
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her - much to her surprise.
"Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.
"Sure, Mike "Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?`
"Thanks, said Pence,` It's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?`
Hillary answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton.`
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
|Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.|
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan MainDealer?"
|As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.|
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama, "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."