• Never Be Late!

    A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

    However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, "I got my first impression of the Parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set And, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

    Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

    'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

    Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
  • Cuss At It

    A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

    "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

    Little Johnny said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

    The preacher took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but the mower refuse to start.

    The preacher called little Johnny over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

    Little Johnny said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

    The preacher said, "I'm a man of the church and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

    Little Johnny looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
  • Best Position for Prayer

    Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

    "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

    "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

    "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

    The repairman could contain himself no longer.

    "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
  • Spiritual Preparedness

    Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?"

    "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests."

    "I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

    "Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."