• Cuss At It

    A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

    "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

    Little Johnny said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

    The preacher took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but the mower refuse to start.

    The preacher called little Johnny over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

    Little Johnny said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

    The preacher said, "I'm a man of the church and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

    Little Johnny looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
  • Best Position for Prayer

    Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

    "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

    "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

    "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

    The repairman could contain himself no longer.

    "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
  • Spiritual Preparedness

    Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?"

    "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests."

    "I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

    "Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
  • Answer Back Church

    Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

    One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better.

    He said, "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk."

    The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

    Encouraged by their response, he went further.

    "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!"
    The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

    Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.

    "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!"

    "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.

    The Preacher gets louder, "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

    The congregation replied, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."