A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord."
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "There is no Lord."
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food."
The neighbor screamed, "It wasn't the Lord, it was me."
The lady replied, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!"
Paddy sat in the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for the treatment he has had.
The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
The patient replied in a rapsy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
The patient replied, "No money in the bank."
Somewhat impatient the nun asked, "Do you have a relative who will be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment?"
The patient replied, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! They are married to God."
The patient retorted, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"