• Osama in Heaven

    After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"

    Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.

    Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.

    Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"

    The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
  • Wrong Hole

    A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

    The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

    Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

    As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
  • Friendly Devil

    Friendly Devil
    "Welcome to Heaven," St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. "Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

    They greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the people. They play golf and dine on lobster and caviar. The devil is also there, a very friendly guy who laughs and tells jokes.

    It is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven.

    24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The politician reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.

    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my Friends look miserable."

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
  • Wrong Side

    Then there was the man whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to his rabbi to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe.

    At first the rabbi would not believe him but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he did not feel qualified to deal with the question and passed it along to one of the world's leading Talmudic scholars.

    After months of waiting, the scholar finally came up with an answer: "The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side."
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