• All In The Family

    All In The Family
    A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

    "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

    "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

    "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

    "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

    "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.

    "Just my sister in Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

    "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

    "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
  • Woman's arm!

    A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
    Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
    The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
    The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
    Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
    The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
  • Our bed!

    At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
    She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
    The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
    Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
    She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
    The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
    A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.
    On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"
    The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"
    After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."
  • Father of Many

    Father of Many
    An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.

    He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it's about.

    "Why do you wear your collar backwards?" The old Jewish man asks.

    The Priest, being polite, responds "Well, Sir, because I'm a father."

    "I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal."

    "Yes," the Priest begins, "but I am father of many"

    The old Jewish man shakes his head. "I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I don't know most their names, and still my collar isn't backwards."

    The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm, "Sir! I am the father of hundreds!"

    The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest, "Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards."