• Faith In the Lord

    A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

    Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

    Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!"

    But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

    A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

    "Who is it?"

    "It's the Lord."

    "Can you help me?"

    "Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."

    "Help me!"

    "Let go."

    Looking around the man became full of panic, "What?!?!"

    "Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."

    "Uh.... Is there anybody else up there?"
  • Confession Code

    There was an old Priest who got sick of all the people in his Parish who kept confessing to adultery.

    One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit !"

    Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

    This seemed to satisfy the old Priest and things went well, until the Priest died at a ripe old age.

    About a week after the new Priest arrived. He visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

    The Priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

    The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new Priest about the code word.

    Before the Mayor could explain, the Priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week !"
  • Drink From The River

    A Preacher said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

    And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    "And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

    Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    The preacher sat down.

    The deacon then stood up and said, "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We Shall drink from That River'." THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH...!!!
  • Whisky for Constipation

    A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of whisky.

    The owner is shocked, "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

    The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

    "Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says.

    He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.

    On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn.

    He runs up to her, "Shame on you, Sister... how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"

    "It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"