• Behold, I come quickly

    The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank.

    After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.

    "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.

    He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

    He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

    The young preacher apologised profusely.

    "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
  • Faith In the Lord

    A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

    Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

    Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!"

    But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

    A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

    "Who is it?"

    "It's the Lord."

    "Can you help me?"

    "Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."

    "Help me!"

    "Let go."

    Looking around the man became full of panic, "What?!?!"

    "Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."

    "Uh.... Is there anybody else up there?"
  • Confession Code

    There was an old Priest who got sick of all the people in his Parish who kept confessing to adultery.

    One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit !"

    Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

    This seemed to satisfy the old Priest and things went well, until the Priest died at a ripe old age.

    About a week after the new Priest arrived. He visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

    The Priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

    The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new Priest about the code word.

    Before the Mayor could explain, the Priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week !"
  • Dead Man In The Street

    The man was immaculately dressed. Fitted out more for the Ritz than the street.

    But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead.

    "How did he get here?" asked Patrolman Muldoon.

    "He threw himself off the roof," said a bystander.

    "Does anyone know the man?" said Muldoon.

    "I do," said Barrie Quinn.

    "What religion is he?" asked the policeman. "Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim?'

    "None at all," said Quinn. "He's an atheist!'

    "What a shame,' said Muldoon. "All dressed up and nowhere to go!"
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