|After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.|
He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter.
"Peteeer....," he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr...."
Peter, the must loyal of all Jesus's follows, jumped in shock. He began to run toward Jesus.
"Yes my lord?" Peter replied.
But as soon as he began to get close the Romans roared, "NO!" and viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs.
Peter, wallowing in pain, heard his messiah call him again, "Peeetteeer... peeter," growing more faint with each call.
So once again Peter tried, crawling with his arms... pulling as hard as he could.
Suddenly, more sharp Roman swords fell upon him. They took his arms this time, leaving him limbless.
But as he lay there, face down in the mud, Peter heard the Son of God once more, "Peeteer"
So Peter rolled this time with all his might, reaching the bottom of the cross, "Yes my lord, Yes, Yes," he screamed with anticipation, "how can I serve you?"
And in his fading breaths, whimpering and quiet, Jesus replied, "Peeter... Peter... I... I can see your house from here!"
|I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.|
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"
|Never say prayers in any other language! You never know what kind of translation problem you can run into.|
An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance. Being religious, he kept repeating: Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om... which is a prayer.
When the ambulance pulled into his home, they took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her.v She screamed to the paramedics: Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?
The medical officer explained: We tried too... but he kept repeating 'Hurry Home, Hurry Home, Hurry Home...'"
|There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."|
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!"