• Get me a Battleship

    After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert Benchley walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"

    The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, "I'm not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

    Robert Benchley instantly quipped: "All right then, get me a battleship."
  • Slow Poison

    When a man at a party once told Robert Benchley that the drink he was holding in his hand was slow poison.

    He replied: "So who's in a hurry?"