• The Last Night of Peace

    Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke. Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.

    Barman asks, "Is there anything the matter, sir?"

    Chap replies, "I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won't speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa."

    Barman says, "Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don't let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud."

    Chap says, "You don't understand. This is the last night."
  • Magical Statue

    One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

    The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

    He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

    As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him. He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

    He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

    The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds."

    The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a politician."
  • How Tall are Penguins?

    Santa walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "How tall is a penguin?"

    The barman says about three feet.

    Santa, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

    The barman says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

    .
    .
    .
    .
    Santa, "Oh shit, in that case I just drove over a nun."
  • Stages of Drunkenness

    Stage 1 - Smart:
    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

    Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty:
    This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

    Stage 3 - Rich:
    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

    Stage 4 - Bulletproof:
    You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

    Stage 5 - Invisible:
    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.