SantaBanta Jokes

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ID please!

Mrs Santa went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.

Mrs Santa opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it`s me and I am alright."

Do you know?

Santa, a small town prosecuting attorney, called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Kapoor, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Santa. I`ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you`ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you`re a rising big shot when you haven`t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
Santa was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Kapoor, do you know Banta, the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I`ve known Banta since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He`s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can`t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
Banta was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called Santa and Banta to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you`ll be jailed for contempt."

Neighbour`s pet

Santa comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor`s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and Santa panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor`s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks Santa, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
Santa stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

While in London

Santa went to Banta s house and said, "Oye Banteya, lets go to London"
Banta replied "Yes Santa, par mainu English nahin aandi" (I can t speak English)
Santa assures Banta that his English skills are better than average, and that he d take care of him in London. Santa and Banta reach London, and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road!
A Gori Mem(blonde) pulls up behind them in her Austin Princess and starts of in English ...... Oh Man! ,,, You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don t you have any regard For the traffic rules in this country ... etc.. etc..
Santa turns around, looks at the Gori Mem, and Starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk Pace.
"To the Principal, Government High secondary school, Village Noorpur, Post Office Noorpur, Tehsil Jalandhar, District Jalandhar, Punjab, India. Sir ... I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday, and my Phamily doctor has recomended bed rest! .... Please grant me two days sick leave. Yours Obediently .... Santa."
The Gori is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa, and quitely gets into her car and leaves.
Banta is amazed. He runs up to Santa and says "Oye Santa, tu taan phate chak dite"! Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke" (You put that gori back in her place, your English sounds better than hers)
Santa Shrugs off Banta and says: "oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin, je jaada tain tain kardi na .... mainu Thirsty Crow te Greedy Daag Dono aande se dono suna dene se" (that was only a sample, if she would have stuck around I would have recited thirsty crow and Greedy dog for her as well).


Love is a serious mental disease.


Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors.


If the enemy is in range, so are you.