Jokes

New
Universal Jokes > Jokes
Page: 1
Eye Check Up

A Russian, visiting India, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin.

Signs You Have a Hangover

You are convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

All day long your motto is, Never again.

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!

Women Hunters

Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.

She comes back with 2 rabbits.

The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."

Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.

The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."

The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.

They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop!!

Too Young to Die!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.

Quotes

Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.

Trivia

The Iglesia Maradoniana (English: Church of Maradona; literally Maradonian Church) is a religion, created by fans of the retired Argentine football player Diego Maradona, who they believe to be the best player of all time.

Graffiti

If it weren't for the rains, people would be all dry.