A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)
'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)
'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)
Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.
2. Someone is "Driving" since 5 days! I guess he reached Dubai!!!
3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???
4. Someone is always 'Available'. How free Are you?????
5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!
6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it... Are you in the police or ambulance service?
7. Someone says, "Can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away your phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function 8. Someone is 'at d movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns d theatre or sells popcorn there....
A business man got on an elevator.
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'"
A Russian, visiting India, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin.