A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it and put the change in her purse.
She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the change and put it in her purse.
Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.
Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you so long?"
She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it."
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the blonde secretary on the ground floor for an important file.
Since it was rather urgent the boss told the secretary it was an emergency and that she should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the blonde clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why she was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The blonde secretary replies, "Sir, when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!"