Jokes Page 7

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Driving Under the Influence

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Archery Contest...

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position. He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM....... ROBIN HOOD!!!

The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!

The crowd cheers!!!

Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!

Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!

Insaan Aur Khuda

Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai.

Phir khuda ne kaha: Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega.
Muskura ke maine kaha: Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega.

Phir khuda ne kaha: Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon.
Maine kaha: Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.

Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai.
Hans kar maine kaha: Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai.

Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.

Before and After Marriage

BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.

BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.

BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.

BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.

BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.

BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.

BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.


Love is the only flower that grows and blossoms Without the aid of the seasons.


Mary Gibbs (voice of Boo in Monsters Inc.) was too young to sit to record her lines, so they followed her around with a mike.


If it weren't for the rains, people would be all dry.