Random Jokes

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What`s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It`s like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Banta and one of his friends were picked up by the cops for using drugs and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, Banta and his friend were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” the judge asked Banta.
Banta, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.”
“One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”
Banta, “Well, I used a similar approach. I said, This small circle is your asshole before prison and. . . .”

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"