Random Jokes

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Spelling mistake

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Appointment

Banta`s wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician`s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can`t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

Total Solar Eclipse

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.

So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."

"Great," the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

Cowboy!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I`M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN`T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I`M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON`T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Quotes

We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we are willing to die for it.

Trivia

'Dreamt' is the only word in the English language that ends with 'MT'.

Graffiti

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.