A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.
One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
Santa from the distant corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson, "But I want you to."
Wife, "But why?"
Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"