|Pro Tip to impress your wife:|
Buy her dresses marked small and then act surprised when she says that it doesn't fit her!
|This girl I met at the bar told me "Make me laugh and I'm yours".|
So I showed her my bank balance. I don't know why she walked away!
|Certain beers give me terrible hangovers. I investigated and I think it's the 13th one!|
|No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it!|
|Happy birthday, dear Pisces buddy!|
Fun fact: Astrology really pisces me off!
|To all those people thinking they know English, here answer this:|
A mother beats up her daughter because she was drunk.
Question is, who was drunk?
|Life without you is impossible. Life after you is unimaginable. Even after death, I want our souls to be reunited!|
|We can just make our day a good one or a bad one so easily, it's our attitude that makes a day good or bad.|
So why not show a positive attitude and have a nice day!
|Doctor: How many mood swings have you been having?|
Wife: Do you mean in an hour?
|If I'm ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humour!|