|If you received a text from me last night, please disregard it.|
My phone was drunk!
|You don't really truly know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with him!|
|Surround yourself with people who have issues.|
Because these people always have alcohol!
|Today I learned that the average person consumes nine alcoholic drinks a week.|
Today I also learned that I am above average!
|It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.|
Alcohol is a solution!
|It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub.|
It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!
|A new group called Alcoholics Unanimous has been founded, if you don't feel like having a drink, you ring a member and he comes over to persuade you!|
|Wheat makes Beer.|
Corn makes Whisky.
Grapes make Wine.
Potatoes make Vodka.
One just can't get drunk without farmers!
|Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you may need... Because it's better to be safe than sober!|
|My liver is temporarily closed for spiritual maintenance.|