• Patient: How much longer do I have?
    Doctor: Ten...
    Patient: Ten What?
    Doctor: Nine
  • Doctor to patient, "Your case will enrich medical sciences".
    Patient: Oh dear! And I thought I'll just have to pay Rs. 10000!
  • Patient to Psychiatrist, "What is the difference between dream and reality?"
    Patient: The same between a girlfriend and a wife!
  • Prisoner: Doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
    Doctor: I sure'll but only bit by bit!
  • Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
    Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was arriving!
  • A lady waited patiently at the pharmacist till he was free to serve her.
    At last he asked, "May I help you, madam?"
    "Could you please read this letter from my fiance for me? He is a doctor!"
  • Two old men were sitting in bar.
    One said to other, "My wife's a mess. She has gonorrhoea, diarrhoea and ascariasis."
    "Why do you stay with her?" said the other.
    "Because I love to fish and she has great worms."
  • A surgeon went to visit his twin brother, a vicar, at a parish. During his morning walk a parishioner, mistaking him for the vicar, congratulated him on his sermon.
    "Sorry," replied the surgeon. "I am not the twin who preaches, I am the one who practices."
  • The four stages of getting sick: ill, pill, bill and will.