|Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable.|
Those people are called bartenders!
|I don't know why the people who snore always fall asleep first?|
|I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new ones!|
|I tried killing a mosquito with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective!|
|Relative: What are you doing with your life?|
Me: It's a surprise!
|I don't need pepper spray to stop muggers, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes!|
|I think the only girl I know that hasn't said 'you're like a brother to me' is my sister!|
|Things in my bucket list:|
3. Loofah ========
|Me: I want to be like Hemingway.|
Friend: A writer?
Me: No. An alcoholic!
|When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young!|