• Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable.<br/>
Those people are called bartenders!Upload to Facebook
    Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable.
    Those people are called bartenders!
  • I don't know why the people who snore always fall asleep first?Upload to Facebook
    I don't know why the people who snore always fall asleep first?
  • I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new ones!Upload to Facebook
    I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new ones!
  • I tried killing a mosquito with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective!Upload to Facebook
    I tried killing a mosquito with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective!
  • Relative: What are you doing with your life?<br/>
Me: It's a surprise!Upload to Facebook
    Relative: What are you doing with your life?
    Me: It's a surprise!
  • I don't need pepper spray to stop muggers, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes!Upload to Facebook
    I don't need pepper spray to stop muggers, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes!
  • I think the only girl I know that hasn't said 'you're like a brother to me' is my sister!Upload to Facebook
    I think the only girl I know that hasn't said 'you're like a brother to me' is my sister!
  • Things in my bucket list:<br/>

1. Mug<br/>
2. Soap<br/>
3. Loofah
========Upload to Facebook
    Things in my bucket list:
    1. Mug
    2. Soap
    3. Loofah ========
  • Me: I want to be like Hemingway.<br/>
Friend: A writer?<br/>
Me: No. An alcoholic!Upload to Facebook
    Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
    Friend: A writer?
    Me: No. An alcoholic!
  • When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young!Upload to Facebook
    When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young!
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