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Pro Tip to impress your wife:
Buy her dresses marked small and then act surprised when she says that it doesn't fit her! -
This girl I met at the bar told me "Make me laugh and I'm yours".
So I showed her my bank balance. I don't know why she walked away! -
Certain beers give me terrible hangovers. I investigated and I think it's the 13th one! -
No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it! -
Doctor: How many mood swings have you been having?
Wife: Do you mean in an hour? -
If I'm ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humour! -
Airport check-in:
Airline staff: I'm sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn't allot you guys nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife's 42D.
Husband: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service? -
People often ask me how I smuggle chocolate into the cinema?
Well... I have a few Twix up my sleeve! -
Lost another audio-book.
I'll never hear the end of it! -
My boss wanted us to start the presentation with some sort of a joke.
So I attached my pay slip in the first slide!