|Wife: You told me you'd be home from the tavern before seven.|
Husband: I am home before seven. I had six beers and I came home!
|There are 2 Pandas:|
The brave one, dedicated to fighting evil: Kung Fu Panda
The other one, who just doesn't care: Ki Farak Panda!
|Teacher: Translate this sentence into Hindi "Liza please have a seat".|
|I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.|
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
|When I can't fall asleep, I like to grab a good book and hit myself over the head with it!|
|On my last birthday, my wife tried to surprise me with a car.|
Fortunately I had quick reflexes and she couldn't hit me!
|Stop taking Facebook so seriously.|
Most of your likes are coming from the people sitting on the toilet!
|Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but not the slap of a newspaper.|
That shows how toxic media is!
|Banks have now fitted these little mirrors on the ATMs. Now I get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face!|
|I'm so lonely that if there's a competition of loneliness, I'm winning it because no one else is there to participate!|