• Wife: You told me you'd be home from the tavern before seven.<br/>
Husband: I am home before seven. I had six beers and I came home!
    Wife: You told me you'd be home from the tavern before seven.
    Husband: I am home before seven. I had six beers and I came home!
  • There are 2 Pandas:<br/>
The brave one, dedicated to fighting evil: Kung Fu Panda<br/>
The other one, who just doesn't care: Ki Farak Panda!
    There are 2 Pandas:
    The brave one, dedicated to fighting evil: Kung Fu Panda
    The other one, who just doesn't care: Ki Farak Panda!
  • Teacher: Translate this sentence into Hindi `Liza please have a seat`.<br/>
Student: Elizabeth!
    Teacher: Translate this sentence into Hindi "Liza please have a seat".
    Student: Elizabeth!
  • I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.<br/>
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
    I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
    My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
  • When I can't fall asleep, I like to grab a good book and hit myself over the head with it!
    When I can't fall asleep, I like to grab a good book and hit myself over the head with it!
  • On my last birthday, my wife tried to surprise me with a car.<br/>
Fortunately I had quick reflexes and she couldn't hit me!
    On my last birthday, my wife tried to surprise me with a car.
    Fortunately I had quick reflexes and she couldn't hit me!
  • Stop taking Facebook so seriously.<br/>
Most of your likes are coming from the people sitting on the toilet!
    Stop taking Facebook so seriously.
    Most of your likes are coming from the people sitting on the toilet!
  • Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but not the slap of a newspaper.<br/>
That shows how toxic media is!
    Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but not the slap of a newspaper.
    That shows how toxic media is!
  • Banks have now fitted these little mirrors on the ATMs. Now I get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face!
    Banks have now fitted these little mirrors on the ATMs. Now I get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face!
  • I'm so lonely that if there's a competition of loneliness, I'm winning it because no one else is there to participate!
    I'm so lonely that if there's a competition of loneliness, I'm winning it because no one else is there to participate!