• Pro tip:<br/>
Always shout `Honey, pizza is here` when the delivery guy comes so that he doesn't think you're eating it alone!
    Pro tip:
    Always shout "Honey, pizza is here" when the delivery guy comes so that he doesn't think you're eating it alone!
  • Me: I want to travel.<br/>
Bank Account: Yes, it's high time. Go to work now!
    Me: I want to travel.
    Bank Account: Yes, it's high time. Go to work now!
  • Not to brag, but every time I strut out onto the beach women close their eyes and fantasy about me being...<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
.<br/>
fully dressed!
    Not to brag, but every time I strut out onto the beach women close their eyes and fantasy about me being...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    fully dressed!
  • Pro Tip:<br/>
When a woman asks you for your advice, she just wants you to agree with her idea!
    Pro Tip:
    When a woman asks you for your advice, she just wants you to agree with her idea!
  • If you anything on your mind then come let's drink about it!
    If you anything on your mind then come let's drink about it!
  • What do you call a dinosaur with a very big vocabulary?<br/>
The saurus!
    What do you call a dinosaur with a very big vocabulary?
    The saurus!
  • When I listen to my voice on a recording, I wonder who is dubbing for me in this horrible voice!
    When I listen to my voice on a recording, I wonder who is dubbing for me in this horrible voice!
  • I always wanted my kids to love nature but not bring home every rock and stick they see on the road!
  • I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.<br/>
Sorry typo, I meant gin!
    I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.
    Sorry typo, I meant gin!
  • On my tombstone I want it to say:<br/>
Eventually, we're all the same!
    On my tombstone I want it to say:
    Eventually, we're all the same!