What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and Poker in the back!

A bloke calls work, "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick".
Boss asks, "How sick are you?"
Bloke: I'm F***ing my aunt. How sick is that?"

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?

Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Vagina to Penis, "Surrender, I have you surrounded!"

"Hello, baby," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you some."
"Listen," said the woman, nonplussed, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested."

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me.

Q: What's the difference between a micro-wave oven and a woman?
A: Micro-wave oven does not scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

The only time a man takes care of a woman's hair is while she is giving him a "Blow Job"!

A dick has a sad life:
His hair is in mess;
His family consists of nuts;
His neighbor's an asshole;
His best friend's a pussy;
And his owner beats him.