A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

    The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

    The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

    "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

    "Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

    "Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

    So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

    Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"
  • Most Embarrassing Moment An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress...
  • Good Deed A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
    "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered...
  • Hunting Gone Wrong A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn`t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out...
  • Antique Collectors' Dinner A Colombian, Russian, Arab and a Punjabi were in a discussion during an Antique Collectors` Dinner. Colombian Drug Lord: "I have loads of money... I want to buy the world`s 10 rarest pens...
  • Matzo Balls A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzo ball soup."
    On seeing the two large...