|During church service, this 16-year old pastor's daughter stood up and said, "Praise the Lord!"|
Everybody shouted with joy, "Hallelujah!"
She continued, "Since the age of 13, I've been experiencing painful monthly periods. But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers with brother Solomon in his house, my monthly periods have stopped for more than 3 months now. No more pain, no more menstruation. You can see I'm even getting fatter and prettier.
We are starting to pray seriously about the small problem of vomiting, especially in the morning. Praise the Lord."
The whole church was silent! Brother Solomon fainted.
|A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.|
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."
"With the woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."
"Can we do it doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah."
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing up!"
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
|A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.|
A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.
The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."
"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.
"No," says the sister. "Her legs."
|A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.|
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"