|One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."|
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's fucking great... fuck 'em all."
|There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.|
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
|The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. "Sweetheart," asked the new wife. "Could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?"|
"Baby, you aren't going to need any Vaseline," he growled amorously.
But at her insistence he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch. After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favor.
"Remember that long string of pearls I gave your for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau for me?"
"Of course, love," replied his bride, "but whatever do you want them for?"
"Well," he explained, looking at the Vaseline smeared all over her, "if you think I'm going into a mess like that without chains, you're crazy!"
|It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car.|
Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons 'screw it' and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him.
His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.
Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving you," she says.
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She looks at him, turns, whips out her tampon and says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."