|Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!"|
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.... I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me."
Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete, It's Maggy.........It's gonna be a while.
|Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.|
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped. "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
|Little Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.... "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl's private parts."|
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa, that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water."
So Little Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, "Move over, pal. I gotta gargle...."
|A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining
in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"|
His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."