• Toastmasters Meeting

    A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

    Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

    When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

    She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife."

    "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.

    While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

    "Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

    "Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  • Golden Jubilee

    A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

    She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

    He looked up at her and said, "Yes, dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

    She smiled and said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

    He nodded and said, "Yes, dear, I still remember."

    "Well, what was it?" she asked.

    He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.'"

    She giggled and said, "Yes, honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

    Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
  • Obesity and Pregnancy

    On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity.

    In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:

    "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me."

    The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dicked man to tell me that."
  • The Amazing Italian

    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".

    The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

    Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

    Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

    He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

    The same... now very old... Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

    "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

    "Well," said the old man, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."