• Sound Dirty?

    Top ten things that sound dirty, but in Golf are not:

    10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

    9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

    8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

    7. Look at the size of his putter.

    6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

    5. Mind if I join your 3some?

    4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

    3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

    2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't...

    1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
  • Golf Lessons!

    A husband and a wife decide that they each want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club, so they meet the pro and head to the driving range where he offers to give them some tips.

    The man goes first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

    The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

    The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

    The golf pro says "Excellent!"

    Now the woman takes her turn and she hits the ball 30 yards.

    The golf pro says, "Hmmm, try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."

    She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

    "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
  • 6-inch Putt

    A couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

    She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

    On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

    The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
  • The Lost Ball!

    A man came into work one Monday morning with his neck heavily bandaged.

    "What happened to you?" asked his colleagues.

    "I was playing golf yesterday with my mother-in-law and on the second hole she sliced her ball into a field full of cows. She wasn't going to give the ball up for lost and so she insisted that we search. We looked for a quarter of an hour, but there was no sign of the ball, just one old cow.

    "Still my mother-in-law insisted that she wouldn't leave until we had found her ball. We searched for another 25 minutes, but still couldn't find it. I was just on the point of giving up when I thought I'd better check to make sure the ball hadn't somehow got lodged in the cow. So I lifted up the cow's tail and, sure enough, a ball was stuck there.

    "I called my mother-in-law over and said: 'Does this look like yours?' and she hit me in throat with a five iron."