• Performance vs Rehearsal

    A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"

    "A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance."

    "Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

    "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

    "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
  • Sex Maniac!!!

    Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.

    He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."

    The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."

    By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently.

    Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped. "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
  • Masturbating With A Condom

    A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

    His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

    "Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

    "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

    "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
  • Loose Tampons

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."