• Canary Contest

    Jim strolls into the paint section of B&Q and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

    "Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

    "My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

    "Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

    "No, they won't," Jim replies.

    "Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

    "You're on!" says Jim.

    Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk.

    "So the paint killed your bird?"

    "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
  • How to Play Slot Machines

    I was on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how any of the machines operated.

    "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
    v The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

    "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

    He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
  • The Lazy Fisherman

    A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock.

    Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."

    "So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"

    The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.

    "Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."

    Again the visitor complied.

    After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."

    "That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
  • Being Obese

    A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

    As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

    The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

    "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

    The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, `Of course. Now just open your mouth and say, "Moo!"