• Trouble's Coming

    A man sits down on a bar stool and tells the bartender, "Pour me a drink before the trouble starts."

    The bartender looks puzzled, but pours him a drink.

    The man chugs it and says, "Pour me another drink before the trouble starts."

    The bartender does and the man downs it as quickly as the first.

    After a few more rounds, the bartender says, "Look, pal: you've had five drinks and all you talk about is 'some trouble starting.' Just when is this trouble supposed to start?"

    The man replies, "Just as soon as you discover I don't have the money to pay you for these drinks!
  • Mistaken Identity

    An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard.

    He apologizes immediately and explains, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her."

    Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells, "I don't think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!"

    "Wow this is amazing," he hiccups, "You also speak just like her."
  • Alcohol Overdose

    Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

    Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

    So they stay for another couple of hours and got even drunker.

    Eventually Rob rolls into home and his wife Jane starts to give him a bad time.

    "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Rob says, "Now wain aminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me...he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"

    Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

    "Oh, yeah... I almosh forgot, he shit in my pants, too"
  • Multiple Entrances

    There is this corner bar that has three entrances, one on each street, and one on the corner. A drunk walks into one entrance, and bartender refuses to serve him, telling him he is too drunk.

    So, the drunk leaves, stumbles down to the corner where he finds the second entrance. He enters again, and is refused service again. He stares at the bartender, falls back out into the street, turns the corner, and finds the third entrance.

    He goes back into the bar, sees the bartender, and stops dead in his tracks.

    After studying the bartender for a long moment, he exclaims, "Good grief! Do you own all the bars in town?"