|An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard.|
He apologizes immediately and explains, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her."
Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells, "I don't think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!"
"Wow this is amazing," he hiccups, "You also speak just like her."
|Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"|
Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and got even drunker.
Eventually Rob rolls into home and his wife Jane starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Rob says, "Now wain aminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me...he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almosh forgot, he shit in my pants, too"
|There is this corner bar that has three entrances, one on each street, and one on the corner. A drunk walks into one entrance, and bartender refuses to serve him, telling him he is too drunk.|
So, the drunk leaves, stumbles down to the corner where he finds the second entrance. He enters again, and is refused service again. He stares at the bartender, falls back out into the street, turns the corner, and finds the third entrance.
He goes back into the bar, sees the bartender, and stops dead in his tracks.
After studying the bartender for a long moment, he exclaims, "Good grief! Do you own all the bars in town?"
|A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all... one, two, three, four, five.|
As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more.
The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them... one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back... one, two, three.
"Two potsh, mate!" he called.
The barman served him two pots and down they went... one, two.
"One pot, sssir!"
The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, "You know, it'sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!"