• Hillary`s Fortune

    During a publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune-teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
    "There`s no easy way to say this, so I`ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
    Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman`s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller`s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
    "Will I be acquitted?"
  • Tragedy!

    Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
    "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
    A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
    "I m afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
    The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
    "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn`t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
    "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
    "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn`t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
  • Wall Clock!

    A man passed away and went to Heaven. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I`ll show you around. You`ll like it here."
    While walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
    The man questioned St. Peter, "What`s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in Heaven?"
    "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time that person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves ahead one minute." St. Peter continued, "For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. Sam sells a lot of used cars, so the minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
    The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock is that?" asked the man.
    "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I`ll bet her clock hasn`t moved in a year or two."
    When the tour was finished, the man said, "You know, I ve seen everyone`s clock but President Clinton`s. Where`s his clock?"
    Saint Peter smiled and replied, "Look overhead. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."
  • Chauffeur!

    One day Bill Clinton is riding in his Limousine and he said to the driver, "You know, I used to love driving very much when I was young, and I haven`t done it for a long time. Why don`t you let me drive for once?"
    The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can`t say no to this guy, he`s the president."
    So the driver pulls over and they change places. Bill was having fun, zooming down the freeway, dodging and overtaking cars.
    After a while the driver taps on the window and tells Bill, "Mr. President, slow down a bit. You`re doing over a hundred and fifty miles an hour."
    Bill says, "ahhh, don`t worry about it, I`m the President."
    So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and Bill rolls down the tinted window and says:
    "Do you know who I`am?"
    The cop sees the President and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute"
    Bill says, "Sure"
    The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station.
    He says "guys I just pulled over some one very important, and I need advice on how to handle this."
    They ask whom, "The mayor?"
    "No, much more important."
    "The governor?"
    "More important."
    "The President?"
    "No, even more important."
    "Well, who is it?"
    "I don`t know, but Bill Clinton is his chauffeur."