• ## Project Manager!

 A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I`ll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That`ll be \$5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. The cost of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C; very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one`s even more expensive! \$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read \$50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven`t actually seen it do anything, but it says it`s a Project Manager."
• ## Computer engineer!

 A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering. The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor." The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator." The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"
• ## Hell for Gates!

 Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I`m really confused on this call. I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows 95. I`m going to do something I ve never done before. In your case, I m going to let you decide where you want to go." "Well, what s the difference between the two?" Bill asks. God says, "I m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I ll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first." So Bill goes to Hell. It s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I d prefer Hell," he tells God. "Fine," replies God. "As you desire." So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How s everything going?" he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."
• ## Five reasons computers must be female...

 5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you". 1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.