• Health Checkup

    Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

    "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 80 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.

    "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"
  • Health Conscious

    A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

    "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

    "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
    "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

    "Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

    "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

    "Who has that kind of money?"

    "Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, `Just give me fifty bucks and get out."

    "I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."

    "I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

    "Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
  • Bump on The Head

    A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

    Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

    The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
  • Patient Will Live, But...

    On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition, "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

    The doctor then began listing orders:
    "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

    "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

    "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

    The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

    The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."