• Mental disorder

    A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute
    "Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want ... Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press ... no one will answer.
    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother s maiden name.
    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep ...... Please wait for the beep.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have low self esteem, please hang up ... All of our operators are too busy to talk to you."
  • That problem...

    Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
    The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
    "What was the result?" the first doctor asked.
    "It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!"
  • Weight problem...

    Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
    The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
    The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
  • Observation !

    A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

    "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man`s anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

    "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse`s anus, but I licked my index."