• Surviving Canadian Winters

    The Collins family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.

    One day, her son rushed into her room with a letter in his hand. "Mom, I have some news," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

    "What do I think?" his mother replied. "Jump at it! Call them immediately and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
  • A Horrible Way to Die

    Two guys in a bar...

    One says, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

    "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

    "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

    "What a horrible way to die!"

    "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

    "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

    "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

    "Man, what a way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

    "Now that is one awful way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that, he..."

    "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

    "I shot him!"

    "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

    "He was wrecking my house."

    From Australian Aviation magazine:

    Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

    If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

    Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

    It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

    The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

    When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.

    A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

    Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

    The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

    Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

    Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

    Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

    There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

    You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

    Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

    If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

    In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

    Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

    It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.

    Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

    Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

    The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

    There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
  • Drunk Driving?

    I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

    Officer: License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!

    Me: I assure you, I did not drink anything.

    Officer: Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?

    Me: A car.

    Officer: Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?

    Me: I have no idea!

    Officer: So, you're drunk.

    Me: But I didn't drink anything.

    Officer: Okay, one more test --- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

    Me: A motorcycle.

    Officer: Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?

    Me: I have no idea!

    Officer: As I suspected, you're drunk!

    Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

    Me: So, counter question --- You;re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?

    Officer: A prostitute of course.

    Me: Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?