• The Bastard

    A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
  • Dirty Laundry

    A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

    The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

    "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

    Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

    Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

    About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

    The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
  • Where's My Spoon?

    John goes to the deli for some soup. After he's seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.

    When the waiter comes he says, "Taste this soup."

    The waiter says, "Why what's wrong with the soup?"

    John says, "Taste this soup."

    The waiter says, "John, you've come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you've never complained before."

    John says, "Taste this soup."

    The waiter says, "What? What is it? If you don't want the chicken soup we have other kinds - vegetable, Italian Ministrone?"

    John says, "Taste this soup!"

    The waiter finally agrees, "Fine John, fine! I'll taste the soup".

    He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, "Where's your spoon?"

    "Exactly," says John, "Where's my bloody spoon?"
  • An Expensive Fishing Trip

    Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

    The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

    As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

    The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"