• Herd vs Heard

    A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

    As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

    The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

    "Heard what?"

    "Herd of cows."

    "Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
  • Issues in English

    A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered. He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants.

    With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back.

    Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further back. There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section.

    Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was 'for coffee'? Furious he replied, "You foh coffee, I stayah hee."
  • Stop People-Pleasing

    An old man, a boy, and a donkey were travelling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.

    In the first town they went to, the people all said, "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"

    The two travelers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.

    In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"

    So the pair decided that they should both ride.

    In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.

    So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.

    On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.

    The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.
  • Peach Spirit

    A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

    So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

    The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"