• RULES OF THE AIR

    From Australian Aviation magazine:

    Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

    If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

    Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

    It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

    The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

    When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.

    A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

    Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

    The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

    Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

    Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

    Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

    There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

    You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

    Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

    If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

    In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

    Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

    It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.

    Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

    Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

    The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

    There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
  • Drunk Driving?

    I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

    Officer: License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!

    Me: I assure you, I did not drink anything.

    Officer: Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?

    Me: A car.

    Officer: Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?

    Me: I have no idea!

    Officer: So, you're drunk.

    Me: But I didn't drink anything.

    Officer: Okay, one more test --- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?


    Me: A motorcycle.

    Officer: Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?

    Me: I have no idea!

    Officer: As I suspected, you're drunk!

    Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

    Me: So, counter question --- You;re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?

    Officer: A prostitute of course.

    Me: Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?
  • That's My Job

    A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

    The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

    The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

    Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

    The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

    The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

    A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

    The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
    The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
  • Never End a Sentence in a Preposition

    A girl from North Carolina and a girl from California sat side by side on an airplane.

    The girl from North Carolina, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"

    The California girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

    The girl from North Carolina sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya from, bitch?"